Again? I thought we went thru this with Original Sinsuality back in '05. I'd like to take an opportunity to record for posterity my thoughts on AATS after living with it for the past little bit. First of all, my version looks like this:

01. Give
02. Flavor
03. Abnormally Attracted To Sin
04. Strong Black Vine
05. Curtain Call
06. Fire To Your Plain
07. Police Me
08. 500 Miles
09. That Guy
10. Starling
11. Fast Horse
12. Lady In Blue

Like this, it's flawless. Dark, moody, electronic - with just the right amount of pacing and flow. I have many fave moments on this album already. Where to start? The slink intro to "Give". The moody trip-hop of it (still fresh though this genre disintegrated a decade ago). "Flavor", to me, is about pondering the smallness of existence and comparing the sensations of life to microscopic planets floating in bands of galaxies, though each one contains multitudes. Or it could be about the influence of traditional media. "Give" could be from any parallax. It could be a comment on the current wellspring of creativity, a thought about vampirism (which entrances me), or the life of a prostitute. "There are some who give blood. I give love. I give." It's become sort of a motto for me in these past few moons. I first heard the dashing competition between electronica and piano (new media and fine art) back in Halifazax, and it has since grown in the breast.

The title track has no structure whatsoever. A few lines, a bridge, what seems to be a chorus? Tori, where did that acoustic guitar come from? What also really strikes me is that no one is remarking on the extreme emotional content of this album. This woman is gutting herself, mutilating emotionally in your ears, and no one can acknowledge that? "She may be dead to you"? And you know "Starling" is about her marriage during the ADP tour, right?

"Shattered night
Then I woke.
Not to a lonely lark,
But to a raven's cry."

She wrote "Fast Horse" for me, you know that too, yeah? My ether transcended the sphere of earth, tailspinned past Saturn, and landed in her brain.

"You got you a fast horse, darlin'. But all you do is complain it ain't a Maserati. You had a soul that you left back in Memphis. But your Mama ain't New York - she is pure Tennessee.

On a desert highway, I am struck by my own RAGE. Time-bomb in his palm... augments this advanced shackling."

How, I ask you now, how is that not my life?! Jesus Christ. I cried like a little bitch the first time I heard this song. And sometimes it still gets right to me.

"Strong Black Vine" is my favorite to sing on the street. Especially the "bodies bathe in black gold - your pleasure" part. EEEEEEEE!!!!

"Curtain Call" - a few lines ring very true. "By the time you're 25, they will say you've gone and blown it all. By the time you're 35, I must confide - you will have blown them all. Right on cue, just act surprised when they invite you to take your curtain call."

"Fire To Your Plain" has nice icy jabs of synth, and the synths in this album are amazing. Synths everywhere. Some nice bass moments too. And the musical transitions between and within the songs wrings juice out of the air. This is a juicy album, salival as the reddest wine, audio mescaline. My ears are wet when I listen to this album - in a good way. In a juicy way. And you know I love the juice.

POLICE YOURSELF!!!

I had to say it. Can we talk about "500 Miles". OMG. The lyrics may be a total cheesefest. I'll admit it. The drums plunking plunk de plunk while the synth prattles away witlessly in the background. On paper, it should be a mess. But the "Sad news" bridge is sung with such utter CONVICTION. Holy shit, her vocal is gorgeous here. And it carries thru right to the end. The end of this song is truly a stunning moment. I sorta wish it was in another song, but it's not, right? I really want to dislike "500 Miles". But I feel heart in this song, and now it has mine too.

Then "That Guy" (in my mix). The way she sings with such nonchalance and ambivalence about something so emotionally terrifying gives me chills. The production is right out of the West End (fuck Broadway) and the strings hamper the lyrical content perfectly. The key change and chord progression from the second verse to the end, the way the arrangement dissipates and flourishes back again, and her lovely, unwavering vocal that is the only constant... I really wanted to dislike this song too. But now I love "That Guy".

"That guy swears he will walk. And carries a chip as big as New York. That guy, at night makes me SCREAM. And SMASHES the best possibilities... That guy."

The album focuses on themes of monogamy, distrust in marriage, imbalance of power in relationships (including friendships), suspicion, and betrayal. But there are also enuf life-affirming, grateful, thankful moments to make you realize Tori is world-weary but hopeful. I am constantly struck by how her albums parallel my own life. I can so easily see not fragments or shards, but entire intact pieces of myself in her albums. No other artist... has ever... yeah. Gotten to me like this.

I am really glad I took the time out of my day to write this. I know I'll read it in a year or two and think, "Wow, that was cool" cuz then I can compare my thought processes in the future to the ones I'm having now. And again, this is an extremely emotional album. Her compositional daring and arrangements I'm afraid are curtailing that fact. I can't wait to see her in August! Wheeeeee!!!

______________________________

So yesterday I went to the Museum of Modern Art and sorta realized this is a big crying year for me. Not 2009, but calendar year. From last summer to now, I have cried so much. It's how I know there are still soft spots within me. My mother knows where they are, because my face gives right in to her when I'm talking to her on the phone. I have become adverse to communication lately. If you haven't received a phone call from me, don't worry. I just don't know what to say. I'm constantly transitioning. It's what I ask for, what keeps me updated on myself. But right now... New York... what could I possibly say?

At the MoMa, in the drawing room, there were these beautiful Chagall watercolor and gouache pieces. Everything I fell in love with about Chagall came right back: the stunning compositions, simple but cutting use of color, and the innocence... the child-like simplicity and subtle painful beauty... it was all there. And this is one artist whose work goes right into my blood and pumps thru my heart. There, in the museum, tears streamed down my face looking at these drawings. I walked away for a bit, imbibed some other works... but came back. Again, in the painting room, there was another giant Chagall, and I was paralyzed. GOD. There, again, I had a moment to myself in the middle of New York. Here's some of his work if you care to look:

http://www.myhellokittycollection.com/garlands

I noticed yesterday that he died in 1985. He was 98, and I was well... zero, I guess. To think that for a short moment, we were both alive on this planet... wow.

I have no idea what's going on with the restaurant job. Went thru training last week, did well, made some mon, and now their management issues are preventing me from getting on the skedge this week. You know - whatever. I still have Teh Pag, Chasm, Crevasse... plus I leave for Iceland in two weeks anyway so I royally can't be bothered right now.

Got my grades back from Canadia and did well, again. Which is cool, I guess. Just one more year and I'll be done... nice little scholarships and getting paid to go to skoo. Life is freaking good, mayne.

So off to get a new memory card for my cam (16 GB), an easel, and some more protein. Oh and my summer body is starting to look really stacked. Last nite, I ran longer, harder, and faster than I've ever run in my life. I think I'm getting addicted to running. Does anyone want to run with me when I get back to Chicago? I'm approaching marathon status here.

And as a final thingy thing, I wanna post my skoo skedge for next semester since I already have it. Let me know if we have any classes together.

_________________________________


Monday:

9-12pm 20th Century Art History
1-5pm Contemp. Issues in PRINTMAKIN'

Wednesday:

9-12pm Photography in Chicago Now

Thursday:

3:30-6:30pm Art of Mexico
6:30-9:30pm History of the American Cit-ay

And these two workshops:

Frame & Stretcher Nov. 6-7
Digital Video Editing Sept. 25 & Oct. 2-3


___________________________


Yeah, 17 credits. This will get me done with the core curriculum and then I need to get into 4-D and the last of the art electives and then DUN. Whoo hoo.

Alright, must launch into my tasks on this rainy day in New York. I am so grateful and thankful and happy to be alive. To all my friends, I love you. I'll try to visit around sometime in July.

Besos on ur face,

-H.

After your protagonist (me) left Mississippi and Tennessee, he came back to New York. That city in/of which he has this extreme love/hate relationship. The first few days, it felt oddly intoxicating. And your protagonist felt warm feelings. Then he felt the undercurrents of New York-ness come in right after that, and now...

So the day after next I head back to Chicago for a solid week. I realize now I should probably cut a day or two off the end since they're sorta precious interview/hiring days, but we'll see what happens tomorrow before I do anything drastic. And I think people are more willing to accommodate than I assume.

When I look at the fabric of this summer in terms of weeks and months, I realized how jagged, imbalanced, and broken it is - the summer. Even if I start working as soon as I get back, three weeks after, I'll be heading to Iceland for 10 days. Then I have all of July, this is true, but then August is a self-indulgent mess. I hope I can propel myself around the world and out of this one, this time, again.

I forgot what a snarky bunch of people New Yorkers are. I'm putting on my New York face starting... now.

need to draw and paint
need to draw and paint
need to draw and paint

I'm gonna reward myself with drawing and painting when I find a job. I have been working out nearly EVERY DAY though GO ME. My bod is tightening right up. Gym time = summer body.

I have the new Tori album. Been listening to it constantly, nothing else, for a few days now. It's an incredibly emotional record. That's the best word for it: emotional. Makes me wish I had wine and a vinyl record player - that kind of album. I swear she wrote a couple of those songs exactly for me. My heart is a big, squishy mess. But in a box. The shards are being preserved. I can't really factor that into the summer fabric. Love and sex are gone. This is all about pure intellectualism. And mercenary working. Purely mercenary.

I've become interested in the idea of passive vampirism lately. And I've been thinking about Hawaii's volcano goddess Pele a lot lately - to the point where I'd like to visit the Volcanoes National Park and photograph it, to channel her. For the vampire stuff, I think a trip to Romania (Transylvania) and all that is in order. Vlad the Impaler and all. Maybe I'll name my first son that. Vlad. His brother can be Thud.

Passive vampirism doesn't mean I have to be any less of a vampire. I still get to suck all the blood I want. It's my role that's passive. Instead of actively attacking, I'll just have them cut themselves and bleed into my mouth. Don't wanna hurt the ol' canine teeth. It doesn't mean I have to hunt less. It just gives the victim a more active role in their own capture. I think it's an interesting idea, sort of playing with give/take a bit. It would be a writing project, a prose series. Here's some of what I've come up with for titles:

Easier To Injure (easier to hurt you than heal myself)
Healing Fails
The Passion To Destroy
From the Animals
Siege
Milk
Like Monsters
Substantial Accidental Trauma
Impotence of the Heart
Taste Me Once
Eventide
Day Made Night (does dawn not rise to darkness?)

"Soon before the sun begins to rise, I know that I must give. So that I can live."

Smell ya later,

-H.

So when I first came to Halifazax, I was riding high on the then-new release of Britney's "Circus" album (which I think should have been tracked differently, but that's for another time). Now, I find myself at the crux of another exit; another exit; another one in my life. How many times have I exited by now? This time, it is hopefully with the new Tori album, "Abnormally Attracted To Sin". It's so close to leaking I can taste it. And oh, wouldn't I love to have it in sultry lush-strewn exotica, that place of my birth: that... Mississippi. Well, yesh! Of course I would, sirry!

But not only that! After exiting to Mississippi, oh the places I'll go this summer. Summer: New York, Chicago, Berlin, Tokyo! Boston, the Catskills, Burlington- who knows where else! Harlan be crazy y'all and he be hoppin' on dem planes dem planes... with plane plans! Wheeee!

This newest exit finds your protagonist still alone, single, bitter party of one and all that jazz. His heart is still all squished up into a squelch puree but not nearly as bad as when he left Chicago a bruised, broken individual. Nay! I have rested; I have rained! Though, I still wage the drizzle vs. downpour debate. But again, that's for another time... EH?!

I haven't been sleeping well. If you know me, you know I don't dream. I'm a ne'er-do-well in the dreaming department, but images have been coming to me in my sleep. Secret spells, secret spills, secret-times. But a few have left me panicked. I thought I was gonna lose it for a second there. But I didn't. I held on, tightly, to nothing. Woke up at 2am, and sat up, quietly, until dawn rose to darkness. Shit.

Maybe people will read this. But I still have so much BITCHING to do. Don't you know all this hate I emanate could be launched directly onto a bitch like YOU? But everyone thinks everything anyone writes is always about them even when it's not, so if you think you've done something that didn't sit well with me, just know that nothing has gone unnoticed behind these eyes. My poor nerves are frazzled from worry; not about myself but other people. God! Harlan says: grrrr. Star-crossed, doubled-crossed, now just cross. Albatross? Am I off topic again? Dang it.

Anyfuck, I'm off to my last video class which finds me devolving into an emo mess. I will sincerely miss many things about Halifazax... but not more than I miss my sparkling city: oh Chicago! How fully you have invaded my soft, pink heart! I will return, looking more delicious than before. I promise.

I know I ramble, hesitate, second guess everything. But just know I am intrinsically on the same level as you and that doesn't need to go unnoticed. So please notice. And those of you who thought I didn't have anything going on in this hollow mess I've covered with too much hair, a bald spot, and which I call a brain: ha! Harlan raff-raffs. And says suck my peen. Ya boy.

So basically, I'm still human! Yay! That's a good sign, right? What has changed, I wonder? Dunno. Guess I have to leave first.

With much ruv,

Yours,

Besos,

-H-Town

I just have to write this all down to get it out of my mind. I prefer it digital so then I won't have to carry it and I can see it whenever I need to. Cuz I may forget, procrastinate, or fuck up.

Travel skedge:

April 24-May 4 Memphis/Mississippi
May 14-24 Chicago
June 4-8 Burlington, VT
June 18-28 Iceland
Sometime in July: Boston/Cape Cod/Provincetown
Sometime in July: Catskillz
August 5-10 Chicago
August 11-24 Berlin
August 25-30 Tokyo
Sept 1 Chicago
Oct 10-17 Santiago/Easter Island
Jan 2-12 Tierra del Fuego/Antarctica (if I get that grant)

I desperately want to get out West again (Utah, Wyoming, Seattle, Portland, NorCal, LA one last time before Jason leaves, Phoenix, New Mexico). And I'd like to fly into Paris and make my way to Berlin that way in August.

Things to put on resume:

Exhibitions:

Port Video, The Loggia, Halifax, NS
Last Look at Winter, The Company House, Halifax, NS

Certifications:

Production Assistant for professional film shoots from Atlantic Film Cooperative and Int'l Alliance of Theatrical and Stage Employees (IATSE)

Awards:

Recipient, Alumni Scholarship, Columbia College, Chicago, IL


Other:

Published four volumes of poetry



TO DO:

Ten Commandments video
Apply for internships at MCA and AIC
Manifest May 15
Lifeyear photo book
Resumes/cover letters for Pastis, Spice Market, Five Points, and Mermaid (Balthazar)... Lulu? - Figure this out


In the future:

Paint
Work out
Music lessons
get Pougialis Award

YAY

by James Merrill

Again last night I dreamed the dream called Laundry.
In it, the sheets and towels of a life we were going to share,
The milk-stiff bibs, the shroud, each rag to be ever
Trampled or soiled, bled on or groped for blindly,
Came swooning out of an enormous willow hamper
Onto moon-marbly boards. We had just met. I watched
From outer darkness. I had dressed myself in clothes
Of a new fiber that never stains or wrinkles, never
Wears thin. The opera house sparkled with tiers
And tiers of eyes, like mine enlarged by belladonna,
Trained inward. There I saw the cloud-clot, gust by gust,
Form, and the lightning bite, and the roan mane unloosen.
Fingers were running in panic over the flute’s nine gates.
Why did I flinch? I loved you. And in the downpour laughed
To have us wrung white, gnarled together, one
Topmost mordant of wisteria,
As the lean tree burst into grief.

So I haven't been in Halifax for even a week, but wow. It's been just as full and packed as any of my busiest weeks in Chicago. I sleep a lot; my roommates are great; the school is great. It is currently 0 and snowing with a few really cold days coming up. After all the winters, I don't know why I still let the concept of temperatures get to me. But I have well enuf gear.

Got in on Tuesday nite and the girls ran out and carried all my stuff in and we ordered sushi and talked until late. Woke up and went to class the next day. Hadn't even been in town for 12 hours. So there's been a lot of running around, getting stuff together, paying for things, buying supplies. I now have a Canadian ID and a school ID and will get a bank account here tomorrow. Things are coming pretty quickly. Already have assignments for classes and business appointments and dates to remember.

I do miss Chicago terribly and still think about the things that happened last semester. Trying to get the study abroad together, find someone to sublet, AND find a place in Halifax - all during finals - certainly took its toll. And now I guess Adam officially hates me, which hurts, but I so much in Halifax now I can't even think about that.

My roomies are definitely adding to the experience. All really great people. I don't think I could have found better than this. This is perfect...

So I just need to sit and write out everything there is to do and remember, but still try to keep a calm mind and let everything happen on its own. It's tough. I definitely want to do some yoga while I'm here. And with my new insurance, get an eye exam and see a chiro.

Canada is wonderful.

I just have to think about this in the scope of my life, and of school, and with everything that's happened before and will happen after... while remaining in the present. I have a pretty cool life. I'm grateful to have this, now.

Anyway, that's about it. Hopefully I can post more soon, more than I have been. I need to get back to writing some poems. It has been far too long, and my poetic mind is going out of control.

Much love all around,

-H.

Attraction is not the issue/sex is not the enemy
I ran a square mile/I had some acceptable sex
Following the... Lifelong Chillout
On Purpose
Maybe Breakfast
I hope it leaves a bruise
Mango Code
Codex
Reave
Precise & Dispassionate Fists

Blood On Ice
Outrace My Heart
Downplay
Sometimes Y
Psycho Logical
Recoil/Cock-it


happiest when everything around is dying
prototypical


a few hours after this

reticent
but daddy I love him


god damn
mary's first fuck
jesus' first blowjob
a good boyfriend


piss ourselves


shrinking violet
Friendly Fire
Keeping Up Appearances (smile and say fuck you)
Maltreatment

let's get fucked up and die
new favorite color

Easier To Injure (easier to hurt you than heal myself)
Healing Fails
The Passion To Destroy
From The Animals
Siege
Milk
Like Monsters
Substantial Accidental Trauma
Impotence of the Heart
Taste Me Once
Eventide
Day Made Night (does dawn not rise to darkness?)


In other news, this time tomorrow, I will be in Halifax. Can't believe it.

Adam hates me now and that tears me apart. But it will be good to get away for a while.

Pics are most often posted to Lifeyear, so check it out.

This semester has been long, full, fulfilling, rewarding, validating, and stressful. But it was all worth it. Now I'm ready to dig into the next one, beginning Wednesday, and that's both exciting and scary for me. Duplicit, disparate emotions is the prevalent theme right now. Maybe one day soon I can understand it all a little better.

Next time I write will be in Halifax.

I love you all. Take care.

My brain:
Ideas:
Yes:


two to noon
Barren (pregnant pt. 2)
Fetus Envy (Pregnant pt. 3)
silent war
right back in
Ass On My Tounge
I'm Sick of You
Viscerality
Under Where?
Shock Treatment
Acres

Rule the Waves

The Half of This
Snowflakes Tomorrow
SOB Story
Trip Wire
Cock-it

Incongruous Me
But Now I'm Sane (I Was Once Strange & Crazy)
Thunder

Recoil
Incinerator
You drank from their fucking cup
Mentally strapping down for displacement
I BELIEVE SHE KILLED HER HUSBAND
Stunt Cock
Vindictive
Fear the Veer


how defined
not a prude
sometimes y
unleavened bread
better and empty

chemically created or otherwise influenced
entrapment
co presence


vex

jesus as a clown

clowns having sex


a hundred thousand

pour a basket of roses over me



an excerpt from " (U Know U Wanna) Dyke Me Up":



U know it's time! Hoo ha!
Been a long time comin, motherfuckers.
The harshest of the harsh, The Ill poonanny,
All the Honies be like, "Oh! G. Nasty, you CRAZY!"

And I'm like Holla!
Gotta get them girls in that Pussy,
Talkin' bout girls up in my pussy,
Gotta get them girls in that Pussy,
Talkin' bout girls up in my pussy,

Lookin like Frida, LaToya, Shaquanda, Yes,
Said, like Gertrude, and Margaret, John Goodman, Oh Yeah
Talkin' bout `agin' gracefully in this
Motherfuckin' record industry,

Y'all check my shit out:

Hey Britney , U Know U Wanna Dyke Me Up, Dyke Me Up,
But my Pussy's gon' Spit U right Out, Spit U right Out

Hey Paris , U Know U Wanna Dyke Me Up, Dyke Me Up,
Bitch, U Too Skinny, U Gon' fall right back out, Right Back Out

So it has been a while, again. I look back to that last entry and think of all I've been thru and everything I've felt since I wrote that. I no longer think constantly about Adam, although he does enter my thoughts from time to time in a simple wondering way. I do miss him tremendously, but honestly I can't imagine going thru this time of the semester right now with all the fighting and all the pressure that was in that relationship. Between the dual stresses of skoo and the heavy relationship, I would've probably had a mental breakdown by now.

And now I'm working too, so all my free time has been taken. My teachers expect miracles from me for any number of reasons. And somehow, each time, I live up to my expectations. I'm suffering in other areas, of course. I've neglected my friends and the people I really care about. I try to find time to call Jason and my Mom, but I've had stretches of a few days when I was simply too exhausted to talk. I'm also sorely lonely, and I do miss companionship, but in a lot of ways I think this time has allowed me to put all my energy into work and skoo and really succeed there. That, and... I was a really awful boyfriend to Adam. The perspective has been indispensable.

So yeah, no free time. But I am finding time to visit the art galleries, have spontaneous lunches, and write every now and again, on top of all the painting/drawing/sculpture/woodwork/reading. I've peeled thru several books on the bus this month. No end in sight. I'm filling my mind this so many ideas, I can foresee it taking weeks to process it all mentally. And I like it like that. It's sort of like playing dead. It soothes the hurting.

I'm doing a poetry reading tonite at Columbia and I'm oh-so-nervous, but also very excited. I am going to write right now.

I won't even mention my plans for next semester yet. Because they are all over the place. I haven't figured it out yet, but Canada isn't being exactly cooperative with my selections and ... I dunno. We'll see. I might just stay in Chicago and power thru it. Like I said, I haven't decided just yet. But I am solidly 50-50. When the scales tip one way or the other, it's going to take a lot of energy, whatever happens.

Love you all. I do read my friends page every day. I feel current with you even if you don't with me...

Besos!

When Adam and I kissed for the last time, I had no idea it was going to be our last. Didn't know that we'd have a fight right after that, one that would end us, and that's I'd never see him or kiss him ever again.

If I had known, I would have paid more attention. Would have opened my feelings. Would have really cherished it and enjoyed it and memorized it. But how could I have known?

I didn't treat every kiss as my last. Maybe I should have.

Even now, when I talk to my friends, I don't know if that's the last time I'll ever talk to them. It is far too easy to get caught up and hang up without saying I love you or taking a second to really love and appreciate the person you're talking to.

This is what life is about: paying attention. Pay fucking attention. That's my advice. Whatever interaction or thing you're doing with someone, be present, be real, be in the moment. And be fucking honest. You never know when the last time you're going to ever see someone is going to be. Cherish, live, be open.

Not remembering my last kiss with Adam is my last regret about our relationship ending. And I hate myself for it. If only I had been more present... now I can barely remember.

So I've had a few of the longest days ever all back to back. And things are compounding, not in my favor.

World: 1
Me: Zip

The bank lost my money and charged me a lot of fees. It was all their fault...
School is kicking my ass this semester. There I said it.
Broke up with the boy, and that has squelched my heart like I haven't felt in a long time. Ya know, since New York.

But I gotta focus. I never went to Europe. But I might get to Canada. Nothing's for sure. I've just been so numb for about a week now.

I went today to install some photos at Tulip Gallery and the second I got home, they called me and said one of my photos had fallen and that broken glass was all over the floor. I had to go back and clean it up. It ruined the entire rest of my day.

Broken glass. I can't find a job no matter how hard I try. I have a feeling it's going to work out with Gap, but that's of course not my first or even fifth choice. And even there it would still go awry.

I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'll write more when I have some hindsight. There's not a lot left of me right now. I need to focus on salvaging what's left.

Heartbrokenly,

-H.

This is me on this day:



Here is a challenging one.


Take a picture of yourself right now. Don’t change your clothes. Don’t fix your hair. Just take a picture. Post that picture with no editing. (Except maybe to get the image size down to something reasonable. Don’t go posting an eight megapixel image.) Include these instructions.





I walked into the bathroom cuz that's where the most light is in the morning (otherwise it would've been blurry) and snapped this. No edits, no retakes, I did it as soon as I read the instructions. Do it! It's hard, but it's honest. This is how I looked when I read this on a friend from Maryland's blog. :)

That old adage: what is life? At 3:30 in the morning, Chicago, tail end of summer, it looks like it never has. 24 for a week today, school starts tomorrow and I'm over halfway thru my program.

Got a call from a girl, this toy gallery here wants me to come up with an idea for a small show of some of my work by Wednesday. It's Tuesday AM right now. I'm oddly calm.

Things with Adam have been remarkably well, and I've been channeling all my bullshit into this little pad I got at Convocation last week. I just pull it out and write whatever I'm thinking because I know we'll talk thru it.

I have to plan my week very carefully because there's a lot I want to get done and I have to execute it very precisely. Virgo-like.

There should only be one more hot day left in the summer. That's today.

I've been feeling "the itch" lately. To get out, see more of the world, take pictures, create. This summer has been all about constituting a new relationship, and who knows, two or three years down the road it might be the best investment of time I've made. Even if no, I've already learned so much about myself and how to treat other people. Even at the expense of my creative channels, the hindsight alone has been worth it.

Without sadness, that's over now. I have to focus on school starting today, and that means focusing on myself again. Continuing to grow into a new identity while maintaining the things that keep me awake at nite (like now) and inspire passion in me. I am so ready to bone up my CV, portfolio, and website. There are so many good things to think about now. I just have to simply write everything down.

And that's an appealing thought for someone who has crafted a tight, simple book in his mind for over a year now and desperately needs to find time to write it before it goes out of his head, forever!, like other ideas he never trounced on.

So what's going on, Argentina, Antarctica? New Mexico? Germany? There are so many places and I'm so very curious. Oh, the places I'll go! That soothes me like hurt-loam.

I have not failed, but have not necessarily succeeded either. I want to be the boy, the boy who has everything. And it's tough. And it's going to be a lot of work and a lot of balancing. But like I said, I have to execute everything very precisely. It's like when you're cutting veggies and you get down to the part near your fingers and you have to be very careful not to fuck up because it could really hurt you. That's where I am right now: down to the quick and trying not to fuck it up.

__________________

It's been awhile. 15 weeks LJ told me. Doesn't sound like much, but it's a whole summer and so much can happen in such a small span of time. I'll try to do a quick recap.

Most of May was spent being mind-fucked by Mark. This was compounded by the end of the semester, and trying to get all my final projects done, as well as find a new apartment. I had to lead some people on, let others down, and be a bad friend for a few weeks during this time. I don't want to be in this many conflicting interpersonal situations at one time ever again, if I can at all help it cuz it was like a Shakespeare play... in a bad way. Add to this the pressure of finals, and you have a recipe for mania. I swear I was a little off my rocker for a few days there. But I got all As, so it wasn't for naught.

Toward the end of this month, I met a boy named Adam.

June was crazy. I moved to the north side, started an internship, started summer school, worked at a new job, and started getting serious about Adam. All of these things came with a set of expectations both by myself and the other parties, and they weren't, for the most part, mutually congruent. The internship expected more than I thought would be needed, so did summer school. Then the relationship with Adam started getting serious and we went thru some real drama before we started to be good for one another. The job was OK at first, but right around the end of this month, started to royally suck.

July was hellish. The shit hit the fan with me and Adam for a few days, during which we broke up and I was the poor, miserable bastard who couldn't get out of bed and moped around all day. The job was reaching the apex of its suckiness, and I put off doing a lot of work for summer school until the last second, which ended up stressing me out. This was the first half of the month.

By the end, Adam and I had mostly resolved the bulk of our toxic issues, I quit the job, and pulled it together to put some work into school and came out of it with an A. I chilled out the last few days of this month and did NOTHING.

The first day of August, I went to New York for a few days which totally rejuvenated me and gave me the break I'd been needing and some time away from the things I asked for which had started to pin me down. Now happily unemployed and with summer school over, I took a break from the internship and gave myself a few days to reflect on everything that had been happening. New York was great as always, and I really started to miss Adam. When I came back, I found he was still there for me.

The past few weeks have been really good. I'm looking forward to school few more, it's my birthday next week, and I've been spending a ridiculous amount of time with Adam. But when school starts and I find a job, this joyride slow down and I'll have to buckle down and focus. So that's been my Summer 2008. There have been so many feelings. So many. I must've felt every emotion possible these past coupla months.

For a second there, I was really overwhelmed and stressed and maybe even a little depressed. Everything worked out, as things tend to do, and what I'm left with is more than I ever wanted. I'm working on being thankful for everything, and I'm mostly succeeding. Being thankful is a huge first step in bringing positive energy into my life.

Soon though, school will begin and I'll be up to my eyeballs in projects and work and this relationship which I'm surprised I've typed so much about. But it really feels nice and I'm really enjoying all the energy that's coming thru this synergy. He is really really great. As always, time will tell. But in the day-to-day, it's been bliss.

I haven't been photographing, writing, or painting nearly as much as I want. But with all these feelings swirling around me, there is no lack of inspiration. And when school begins, I'm ready to put everything that's been happening into my work.

I'm thinking about starting Lifeyear again just for the fun of it. I look at it from time to time and realize how great of a chronicle it really was. In a way, I'm sorta glad I haven't done it this summer. It's given me great perspective about the year I had, the year I'll have, and where the present fits in between those two. So that's a thought. I still carry my camera with me everywhere and still notice everything about the world around me, almost to the point of micro-sensitivity sometimes. When you're constantly looking, you sometimes lose sight of the big picture. This break has also helped the expansion of my vision into a larger viewpoint. With school about to begin again, maybe I should focus anew. I'll give it some thought. Maybe I can do it again but maybe not so stringently. Maybe the guideline can be every day and if I miss a day or two I don't have to make it up or beat myself up over it. This is TBC...

I feel myself changing in other ways. This relationship is really challenging some of the thought and behavior patterns I had fallen into over the past few years. And it's changing them for the better. It is hard to give myself fully after being single for so long. It terrifies me and feels amazing at the same time. This example of two emotions that don't seem miscible somehow are in my system. It's this split thinking, this dichotomy of thought and action that is slowly pulling itself together. In a way, I'm becoming more streamlined and less erratic, which was sorta my trademark for a time. I just don't want to forget who I am even though that person is changing. It's all moving so fast. I'm a bystander having an out-of-body experience in my own life.

My first therapy session is tomorrow. I am greatly looking forward to sorting out my thoughts, getting some perspective on my behavior and these reasons why I am the way I am. Like why is blue my new favorite color? Well, some things you may never know.

-H.