I just need to type this out.

Today: start small painting in lieu of small screenprint
get paper for prints and then...
print

Weisman shit/artist statement/finalize budget/gather letters of rec

For Thurs: pres in Mejico
For Mon: pres in Theory & Crit/prints DUE, get all printed matter together, bring photos of paintings to submit in lieu of paintings
For Wed: finalize Weisman stuff, meet with Corinne again. and Sabina. pres in Photo in Chi. bring in materials to print on nice paper
For Thurs: exam in Mejico/pres in His Am City
For Fri: final Theory & Crit paper due, 10-12 pages, fully illustrated, with bibliography and quotes
Turn in all Weisman material to Portfolio Center

and then the semester will be D-U-N, dun.

So to distill this:

painting and prints
Weisman (this includes the printing and leg work)
Mejico exam
Meet with Corinne
Meet with Sabina
His Am City pres (easy)
Theory & Crit paper

I can do this. One more weeeek. And it is a whiteout blizzard out there. And Jarrett flies in to town today, have to go meet him at Midway at 5pm. Off to get him some chocolate covered almonds and get some paper to print on. Aye aye aye. OKBYE.

I sit here alone, thinking of what? How I'm alone with a swath thru my throat. Trust would the sexiest thing, but am I too far gone to extricate this?

God how things have changed since that last little entry, way back in June. And how things have changed since last November. Why, this time last year, I was in Chicago working at Gap, an emotional mess from the breakup with Adam, and only vaguely pondering a semester in Halifax. Flash forward to this November which finds me an emotional mess over another guy, in Chicago working at Gap, and looking forward to graduating in May while applying for an award for artistic merit and to grad skoo. Next November might go like this: living in New York, possibly with the guy, but certainly there, going to NYU for MFA in Studio Art, working, and yeah. Things change so fast, don't they? But for now all I can focus on is Sam.

I have GOT to snap out of it. In no way is it harming my academics, which if it did would be toxic for me. And in no way is it harming my friendships. But it does take up more of my time than I care to mention and I am always thinking about my Sam. Sam sam sam sam sam. I just hope I'm not nagging the poor guy to death. I hope he knows it's because I really do love him.

For the first time, this feeling is as pure as I (as in me, JHV) can possibly get it to be. I caught myself slipping into previous trends like with Adam and other guys, several times, and I caught myself and said, "No. You better treat this boy right." It feels good. I just hope I don't end up looking like a fool in the end. Because this is how I'd want someone to feel about me, and to treat me. At least I can say I had good intentions. But what guy would dump you because you're too good to them? You'd be surprised.

So at this juncture in my life, I probably don't even have time to write about it all. But I should. I know this is healthy for me, and I'm feeling the healthiest I've ever been. Regarding the Sam stuff... maybe it's for the best that he's far away. I can't imagine feeling this strongly about a guy who's local. I wouldn't have any time for him and if I did, my other work would suffer, probably horribly. I know realistically I don't have time for a relationship right now. But after graduation, sure, I'd love to give this some real time and effort and see how good it could be. I hate sleeping by myself, especially when I know what a good snuggler my little Sam is.

So, it's one of those things that looks all insurmountable, etc., but I know when I start I'll make tremendous headway quickly. I just need to paint it all out. Write it all out. The semester is practically over in two weeks. It has gone by SO FAST. I can't believe I only have one semester left. I am set up to graduate with honors in May, and with a lot of connections and friendships I would not have had otherwise. My resume should be exploding by that time. I just applied for an internship, and my grad application should be nice and solid in about 6 more weeks. I will seek much help from many sources. But I know this winter is going to be terribly lonely.

Winter truly is my favorite season. I find it beautiful in a way unmatched by the showmanship of fall and spring and the obnoxious verdant summer. No, winter owns my affections with a quiet power, and I'd like to think of myself like that. For all my expended energy, I would like to be remembered as having a quiet, calm power and a deep heart. I think I'm destined to feel everything 20 zillion times more than other people. Surely I pursue life more than any lover: open, reverent, fearful. It's why I'm not trying to rationalize not moving in with Sam too soon (if he'd even want to) or the logistics of moving back to New York. Fuck it. I don't think I'm causing any problems (I only see good things happening) and nothing's irreversible. This can be harm-free.

But whatever. I don't need empty approvals. And if someone doesn't want to talk to me, forget it. There will always be more.

Anyway, on to more work. Hopefully I'll write more soon. No witticisms, no quips, just an update on the emotions surrounding life. Like I said: I have GOT to snap out of it.

-H.

Again? I thought we went thru this with Original Sinsuality back in '05. I'd like to take an opportunity to record for posterity my thoughts on AATS after living with it for the past little bit. First of all, my version looks like this:

01. Give
02. Flavor
03. Abnormally Attracted To Sin
04. Strong Black Vine
05. Curtain Call
06. Fire To Your Plain
07. Police Me
08. 500 Miles
09. That Guy
10. Starling
11. Fast Horse
12. Lady In Blue

Like this, it's flawless. Dark, moody, electronic - with just the right amount of pacing and flow. I have many fave moments on this album already. Where to start? The slink intro to "Give". The moody trip-hop of it (still fresh though this genre disintegrated a decade ago). "Flavor", to me, is about pondering the smallness of existence and comparing the sensations of life to microscopic planets floating in bands of galaxies, though each one contains multitudes. Or it could be about the influence of traditional media. "Give" could be from any parallax. It could be a comment on the current wellspring of creativity, a thought about vampirism (which entrances me), or the life of a prostitute. "There are some who give blood. I give love. I give." It's become sort of a motto for me in these past few moons. I first heard the dashing competition between electronica and piano (new media and fine art) back in Halifazax, and it has since grown in the breast.

The title track has no structure whatsoever. A few lines, a bridge, what seems to be a chorus? Tori, where did that acoustic guitar come from? What also really strikes me is that no one is remarking on the extreme emotional content of this album. This woman is gutting herself, mutilating emotionally in your ears, and no one can acknowledge that? "She may be dead to you"? And you know "Starling" is about her marriage during the ADP tour, right?

"Shattered night
Then I woke.
Not to a lonely lark,
But to a raven's cry."

She wrote "Fast Horse" for me, you know that too, yeah? My ether transcended the sphere of earth, tailspinned past Saturn, and landed in her brain.

"You got you a fast horse, darlin'. But all you do is complain it ain't a Maserati. You had a soul that you left back in Memphis. But your Mama ain't New York - she is pure Tennessee.

On a desert highway, I am struck by my own RAGE. Time-bomb in his palm... augments this advanced shackling."

How, I ask you now, how is that not my life?! Jesus Christ. I cried like a little bitch the first time I heard this song. And sometimes it still gets right to me.

"Strong Black Vine" is my favorite to sing on the street. Especially the "bodies bathe in black gold - your pleasure" part. EEEEEEEE!!!!

"Curtain Call" - a few lines ring very true. "By the time you're 25, they will say you've gone and blown it all. By the time you're 35, I must confide - you will have blown them all. Right on cue, just act surprised when they invite you to take your curtain call."

"Fire To Your Plain" has nice icy jabs of synth, and the synths in this album are amazing. Synths everywhere. Some nice bass moments too. And the musical transitions between and within the songs wrings juice out of the air. This is a juicy album, salival as the reddest wine, audio mescaline. My ears are wet when I listen to this album - in a good way. In a juicy way. And you know I love the juice.

POLICE YOURSELF!!!

I had to say it. Can we talk about "500 Miles". OMG. The lyrics may be a total cheesefest. I'll admit it. The drums plunking plunk de plunk while the synth prattles away witlessly in the background. On paper, it should be a mess. But the "Sad news" bridge is sung with such utter CONVICTION. Holy shit, her vocal is gorgeous here. And it carries thru right to the end. The end of this song is truly a stunning moment. I sorta wish it was in another song, but it's not, right? I really want to dislike "500 Miles". But I feel heart in this song, and now it has mine too.

Then "That Guy" (in my mix). The way she sings with such nonchalance and ambivalence about something so emotionally terrifying gives me chills. The production is right out of the West End (fuck Broadway) and the strings hamper the lyrical content perfectly. The key change and chord progression from the second verse to the end, the way the arrangement dissipates and flourishes back again, and her lovely, unwavering vocal that is the only constant... I really wanted to dislike this song too. But now I love "That Guy".

"That guy swears he will walk. And carries a chip as big as New York. That guy, at night makes me SCREAM. And SMASHES the best possibilities... That guy."

The album focuses on themes of monogamy, distrust in marriage, imbalance of power in relationships (including friendships), suspicion, and betrayal. But there are also enuf life-affirming, grateful, thankful moments to make you realize Tori is world-weary but hopeful. I am constantly struck by how her albums parallel my own life. I can so easily see not fragments or shards, but entire intact pieces of myself in her albums. No other artist... has ever... yeah. Gotten to me like this.

I am really glad I took the time out of my day to write this. I know I'll read it in a year or two and think, "Wow, that was cool" cuz then I can compare my thought processes in the future to the ones I'm having now. And again, this is an extremely emotional album. Her compositional daring and arrangements I'm afraid are curtailing that fact. I can't wait to see her in August! Wheeeeee!!!

______________________________

So yesterday I went to the Museum of Modern Art and sorta realized this is a big crying year for me. Not 2009, but calendar year. From last summer to now, I have cried so much. It's how I know there are still soft spots within me. My mother knows where they are, because my face gives right in to her when I'm talking to her on the phone. I have become adverse to communication lately. If you haven't received a phone call from me, don't worry. I just don't know what to say. I'm constantly transitioning. It's what I ask for, what keeps me updated on myself. But right now... New York... what could I possibly say?

At the MoMa, in the drawing room, there were these beautiful Chagall watercolor and gouache pieces. Everything I fell in love with about Chagall came right back: the stunning compositions, simple but cutting use of color, and the innocence... the child-like simplicity and subtle painful beauty... it was all there. And this is one artist whose work goes right into my blood and pumps thru my heart. There, in the museum, tears streamed down my face looking at these drawings. I walked away for a bit, imbibed some other works... but came back. Again, in the painting room, there was another giant Chagall, and I was paralyzed. GOD. There, again, I had a moment to myself in the middle of New York. Here's some of his work if you care to look:

http://www.myhellokittycollection.com/garlands

I noticed yesterday that he died in 1985. He was 98, and I was well... zero, I guess. To think that for a short moment, we were both alive on this planet... wow.

I have no idea what's going on with the restaurant job. Went thru training last week, did well, made some mon, and now their management issues are preventing me from getting on the skedge this week. You know - whatever. I still have Teh Pag, Chasm, Crevasse... plus I leave for Iceland in two weeks anyway so I royally can't be bothered right now.

Got my grades back from Canadia and did well, again. Which is cool, I guess. Just one more year and I'll be done... nice little scholarships and getting paid to go to skoo. Life is freaking good, mayne.

So off to get a new memory card for my cam (16 GB), an easel, and some more protein. Oh and my summer body is starting to look really stacked. Last nite, I ran longer, harder, and faster than I've ever run in my life. I think I'm getting addicted to running. Does anyone want to run with me when I get back to Chicago? I'm approaching marathon status here.

And as a final thingy thing, I wanna post my skoo skedge for next semester since I already have it. Let me know if we have any classes together.

_________________________________


Monday:

9-12pm 20th Century Art History
1-5pm Contemp. Issues in PRINTMAKIN'

Wednesday:

9-12pm Photography in Chicago Now

Thursday:

3:30-6:30pm Art of Mexico
6:30-9:30pm History of the American Cit-ay

And these two workshops:

Frame & Stretcher Nov. 6-7
Digital Video Editing Sept. 25 & Oct. 2-3


___________________________


Yeah, 17 credits. This will get me done with the core curriculum and then I need to get into 4-D and the last of the art electives and then DUN. Whoo hoo.

Alright, must launch into my tasks on this rainy day in New York. I am so grateful and thankful and happy to be alive. To all my friends, I love you. I'll try to visit around sometime in July.

Besos on ur face,

-H.

After your protagonist (me) left Mississippi and Tennessee, he came back to New York. That city in/of which he has this extreme love/hate relationship. The first few days, it felt oddly intoxicating. And your protagonist felt warm feelings. Then he felt the undercurrents of New York-ness come in right after that, and now...

So the day after next I head back to Chicago for a solid week. I realize now I should probably cut a day or two off the end since they're sorta precious interview/hiring days, but we'll see what happens tomorrow before I do anything drastic. And I think people are more willing to accommodate than I assume.

When I look at the fabric of this summer in terms of weeks and months, I realized how jagged, imbalanced, and broken it is - the summer. Even if I start working as soon as I get back, three weeks after, I'll be heading to Iceland for 10 days. Then I have all of July, this is true, but then August is a self-indulgent mess. I hope I can propel myself around the world and out of this one, this time, again.

I forgot what a snarky bunch of people New Yorkers are. I'm putting on my New York face starting... now.

need to draw and paint
need to draw and paint
need to draw and paint

I'm gonna reward myself with drawing and painting when I find a job. I have been working out nearly EVERY DAY though GO ME. My bod is tightening right up. Gym time = summer body.

I have the new Tori album. Been listening to it constantly, nothing else, for a few days now. It's an incredibly emotional record. That's the best word for it: emotional. Makes me wish I had wine and a vinyl record player - that kind of album. I swear she wrote a couple of those songs exactly for me. My heart is a big, squishy mess. But in a box. The shards are being preserved. I can't really factor that into the summer fabric. Love and sex are gone. This is all about pure intellectualism. And mercenary working. Purely mercenary.

I've become interested in the idea of passive vampirism lately. And I've been thinking about Hawaii's volcano goddess Pele a lot lately - to the point where I'd like to visit the Volcanoes National Park and photograph it, to channel her. For the vampire stuff, I think a trip to Romania (Transylvania) and all that is in order. Vlad the Impaler and all. Maybe I'll name my first son that. Vlad. His brother can be Thud.

Passive vampirism doesn't mean I have to be any less of a vampire. I still get to suck all the blood I want. It's my role that's passive. Instead of actively attacking, I'll just have them cut themselves and bleed into my mouth. Don't wanna hurt the ol' canine teeth. It doesn't mean I have to hunt less. It just gives the victim a more active role in their own capture. I think it's an interesting idea, sort of playing with give/take a bit. It would be a writing project, a prose series. Here's some of what I've come up with for titles:

Easier To Injure (easier to hurt you than heal myself)
Healing Fails
The Passion To Destroy
From the Animals
Siege
Milk
Like Monsters
Substantial Accidental Trauma
Impotence of the Heart
Taste Me Once
Eventide
Day Made Night (does dawn not rise to darkness?)

"Soon before the sun begins to rise, I know that I must give. So that I can live."

Smell ya later,

-H.

So when I first came to Halifazax, I was riding high on the then-new release of Britney's "Circus" album (which I think should have been tracked differently, but that's for another time). Now, I find myself at the crux of another exit; another exit; another one in my life. How many times have I exited by now? This time, it is hopefully with the new Tori album, "Abnormally Attracted To Sin". It's so close to leaking I can taste it. And oh, wouldn't I love to have it in sultry lush-strewn exotica, that place of my birth: that... Mississippi. Well, yesh! Of course I would, sirry!

But not only that! After exiting to Mississippi, oh the places I'll go this summer. Summer: New York, Chicago, Berlin, Tokyo! Boston, the Catskills, Burlington- who knows where else! Harlan be crazy y'all and he be hoppin' on dem planes dem planes... with plane plans! Wheeee!

This newest exit finds your protagonist still alone, single, bitter party of one and all that jazz. His heart is still all squished up into a squelch puree but not nearly as bad as when he left Chicago a bruised, broken individual. Nay! I have rested; I have rained! Though, I still wage the drizzle vs. downpour debate. But again, that's for another time... EH?!

I haven't been sleeping well. If you know me, you know I don't dream. I'm a ne'er-do-well in the dreaming department, but images have been coming to me in my sleep. Secret spells, secret spills, secret-times. But a few have left me panicked. I thought I was gonna lose it for a second there. But I didn't. I held on, tightly, to nothing. Woke up at 2am, and sat up, quietly, until dawn rose to darkness. Shit.

Maybe people will read this. But I still have so much BITCHING to do. Don't you know all this hate I emanate could be launched directly onto a bitch like YOU? But everyone thinks everything anyone writes is always about them even when it's not, so if you think you've done something that didn't sit well with me, just know that nothing has gone unnoticed behind these eyes. My poor nerves are frazzled from worry; not about myself but other people. God! Harlan says: grrrr. Star-crossed, doubled-crossed, now just cross. Albatross? Am I off topic again? Dang it.

Anyfuck, I'm off to my last video class which finds me devolving into an emo mess. I will sincerely miss many things about Halifazax... but not more than I miss my sparkling city: oh Chicago! How fully you have invaded my soft, pink heart! I will return, looking more delicious than before. I promise.

I know I ramble, hesitate, second guess everything. But just know I am intrinsically on the same level as you and that doesn't need to go unnoticed. So please notice. And those of you who thought I didn't have anything going on in this hollow mess I've covered with too much hair, a bald spot, and which I call a brain: ha! Harlan raff-raffs. And says suck my peen. Ya boy.

So basically, I'm still human! Yay! That's a good sign, right? What has changed, I wonder? Dunno. Guess I have to leave first.

With much ruv,

Yours,

Besos,

-H-Town

I just have to write this all down to get it out of my mind. I prefer it digital so then I won't have to carry it and I can see it whenever I need to. Cuz I may forget, procrastinate, or fuck up.

Travel skedge:

April 24-May 4 Memphis/Mississippi
May 14-24 Chicago
June 4-8 Burlington, VT
June 18-28 Iceland
Sometime in July: Boston/Cape Cod/Provincetown
Sometime in July: Catskillz
August 5-10 Chicago
August 11-24 Berlin
August 25-30 Tokyo
Sept 1 Chicago
Oct 10-17 Santiago/Easter Island
Jan 2-12 Tierra del Fuego/Antarctica (if I get that grant)

I desperately want to get out West again (Utah, Wyoming, Seattle, Portland, NorCal, LA one last time before Jason leaves, Phoenix, New Mexico). And I'd like to fly into Paris and make my way to Berlin that way in August.

Things to put on resume:

Exhibitions:

Port Video, The Loggia, Halifax, NS
Last Look at Winter, The Company House, Halifax, NS

Certifications:

Production Assistant for professional film shoots from Atlantic Film Cooperative and Int'l Alliance of Theatrical and Stage Employees (IATSE)

Awards:

Recipient, Alumni Scholarship, Columbia College, Chicago, IL


Other:

Published four volumes of poetry



TO DO:

Ten Commandments video
Apply for internships at MCA and AIC
Manifest May 15
Lifeyear photo book
Resumes/cover letters for Pastis, Spice Market, Five Points, and Mermaid (Balthazar)... Lulu? - Figure this out


In the future:

Paint
Work out
Music lessons
get Pougialis Award

YAY

by James Merrill

Again last night I dreamed the dream called Laundry.
In it, the sheets and towels of a life we were going to share,
The milk-stiff bibs, the shroud, each rag to be ever
Trampled or soiled, bled on or groped for blindly,
Came swooning out of an enormous willow hamper
Onto moon-marbly boards. We had just met. I watched
From outer darkness. I had dressed myself in clothes
Of a new fiber that never stains or wrinkles, never
Wears thin. The opera house sparkled with tiers
And tiers of eyes, like mine enlarged by belladonna,
Trained inward. There I saw the cloud-clot, gust by gust,
Form, and the lightning bite, and the roan mane unloosen.
Fingers were running in panic over the flute’s nine gates.
Why did I flinch? I loved you. And in the downpour laughed
To have us wrung white, gnarled together, one
Topmost mordant of wisteria,
As the lean tree burst into grief.

So I haven't been in Halifax for even a week, but wow. It's been just as full and packed as any of my busiest weeks in Chicago. I sleep a lot; my roommates are great; the school is great. It is currently 0 and snowing with a few really cold days coming up. After all the winters, I don't know why I still let the concept of temperatures get to me. But I have well enuf gear.

Got in on Tuesday nite and the girls ran out and carried all my stuff in and we ordered sushi and talked until late. Woke up and went to class the next day. Hadn't even been in town for 12 hours. So there's been a lot of running around, getting stuff together, paying for things, buying supplies. I now have a Canadian ID and a school ID and will get a bank account here tomorrow. Things are coming pretty quickly. Already have assignments for classes and business appointments and dates to remember.

I do miss Chicago terribly and still think about the things that happened last semester. Trying to get the study abroad together, find someone to sublet, AND find a place in Halifax - all during finals - certainly took its toll. And now I guess Adam officially hates me, which hurts, but I so much in Halifax now I can't even think about that.

My roomies are definitely adding to the experience. All really great people. I don't think I could have found better than this. This is perfect...

So I just need to sit and write out everything there is to do and remember, but still try to keep a calm mind and let everything happen on its own. It's tough. I definitely want to do some yoga while I'm here. And with my new insurance, get an eye exam and see a chiro.

Canada is wonderful.

I just have to think about this in the scope of my life, and of school, and with everything that's happened before and will happen after... while remaining in the present. I have a pretty cool life. I'm grateful to have this, now.

Anyway, that's about it. Hopefully I can post more soon, more than I have been. I need to get back to writing some poems. It has been far too long, and my poetic mind is going out of control.

Much love all around,

-H.

Attraction is not the issue/sex is not the enemy
I ran a square mile/I had some acceptable sex
Following the... Lifelong Chillout
On Purpose
Maybe Breakfast
I hope it leaves a bruise
Mango Code
Codex
Reave
Precise & Dispassionate Fists

Blood On Ice
Outrace My Heart
Downplay
Sometimes Y
Psycho Logical
Recoil/Cock-it


happiest when everything around is dying
prototypical


a few hours after this

reticent
but daddy I love him


god damn
mary's first fuck
jesus' first blowjob
a good boyfriend


piss ourselves


shrinking violet
Friendly Fire
Keeping Up Appearances (smile and say fuck you)
Maltreatment

let's get fucked up and die
new favorite color

Easier To Injure (easier to hurt you than heal myself)
Healing Fails
The Passion To Destroy
From The Animals
Siege
Milk
Like Monsters
Substantial Accidental Trauma
Impotence of the Heart
Taste Me Once
Eventide
Day Made Night (does dawn not rise to darkness?)


In other news, this time tomorrow, I will be in Halifax. Can't believe it.

Adam hates me now and that tears me apart. But it will be good to get away for a while.

Pics are most often posted to Lifeyear, so check it out.

This semester has been long, full, fulfilling, rewarding, validating, and stressful. But it was all worth it. Now I'm ready to dig into the next one, beginning Wednesday, and that's both exciting and scary for me. Duplicit, disparate emotions is the prevalent theme right now. Maybe one day soon I can understand it all a little better.

Next time I write will be in Halifax.

I love you all. Take care.

My brain:
Ideas:
Yes:


two to noon
Barren (pregnant pt. 2)
Fetus Envy (Pregnant pt. 3)
silent war
right back in
Ass On My Tounge
I'm Sick of You
Viscerality
Under Where?
Shock Treatment
Acres

Rule the Waves

The Half of This
Snowflakes Tomorrow
SOB Story
Trip Wire
Cock-it

Incongruous Me
But Now I'm Sane (I Was Once Strange & Crazy)
Thunder

Recoil
Incinerator
You drank from their fucking cup
Mentally strapping down for displacement
I BELIEVE SHE KILLED HER HUSBAND
Stunt Cock
Vindictive
Fear the Veer


how defined
not a prude
sometimes y
unleavened bread
better and empty

chemically created or otherwise influenced
entrapment
co presence


vex

jesus as a clown

clowns having sex


a hundred thousand

pour a basket of roses over me



an excerpt from " (U Know U Wanna) Dyke Me Up":



U know it's time! Hoo ha!
Been a long time comin, motherfuckers.
The harshest of the harsh, The Ill poonanny,
All the Honies be like, "Oh! G. Nasty, you CRAZY!"

And I'm like Holla!
Gotta get them girls in that Pussy,
Talkin' bout girls up in my pussy,
Gotta get them girls in that Pussy,
Talkin' bout girls up in my pussy,

Lookin like Frida, LaToya, Shaquanda, Yes,
Said, like Gertrude, and Margaret, John Goodman, Oh Yeah
Talkin' bout `agin' gracefully in this
Motherfuckin' record industry,

Y'all check my shit out:

Hey Britney , U Know U Wanna Dyke Me Up, Dyke Me Up,
But my Pussy's gon' Spit U right Out, Spit U right Out

Hey Paris , U Know U Wanna Dyke Me Up, Dyke Me Up,
Bitch, U Too Skinny, U Gon' fall right back out, Right Back Out

So it has been a while, again. I look back to that last entry and think of all I've been thru and everything I've felt since I wrote that. I no longer think constantly about Adam, although he does enter my thoughts from time to time in a simple wondering way. I do miss him tremendously, but honestly I can't imagine going thru this time of the semester right now with all the fighting and all the pressure that was in that relationship. Between the dual stresses of skoo and the heavy relationship, I would've probably had a mental breakdown by now.

And now I'm working too, so all my free time has been taken. My teachers expect miracles from me for any number of reasons. And somehow, each time, I live up to my expectations. I'm suffering in other areas, of course. I've neglected my friends and the people I really care about. I try to find time to call Jason and my Mom, but I've had stretches of a few days when I was simply too exhausted to talk. I'm also sorely lonely, and I do miss companionship, but in a lot of ways I think this time has allowed me to put all my energy into work and skoo and really succeed there. That, and... I was a really awful boyfriend to Adam. The perspective has been indispensable.

So yeah, no free time. But I am finding time to visit the art galleries, have spontaneous lunches, and write every now and again, on top of all the painting/drawing/sculpture/woodwork/reading. I've peeled thru several books on the bus this month. No end in sight. I'm filling my mind this so many ideas, I can foresee it taking weeks to process it all mentally. And I like it like that. It's sort of like playing dead. It soothes the hurting.

I'm doing a poetry reading tonite at Columbia and I'm oh-so-nervous, but also very excited. I am going to write right now.

I won't even mention my plans for next semester yet. Because they are all over the place. I haven't figured it out yet, but Canada isn't being exactly cooperative with my selections and ... I dunno. We'll see. I might just stay in Chicago and power thru it. Like I said, I haven't decided just yet. But I am solidly 50-50. When the scales tip one way or the other, it's going to take a lot of energy, whatever happens.

Love you all. I do read my friends page every day. I feel current with you even if you don't with me...

Besos!

When Adam and I kissed for the last time, I had no idea it was going to be our last. Didn't know that we'd have a fight right after that, one that would end us, and that's I'd never see him or kiss him ever again.

If I had known, I would have paid more attention. Would have opened my feelings. Would have really cherished it and enjoyed it and memorized it. But how could I have known?

I didn't treat every kiss as my last. Maybe I should have.

Even now, when I talk to my friends, I don't know if that's the last time I'll ever talk to them. It is far too easy to get caught up and hang up without saying I love you or taking a second to really love and appreciate the person you're talking to.

This is what life is about: paying attention. Pay fucking attention. That's my advice. Whatever interaction or thing you're doing with someone, be present, be real, be in the moment. And be fucking honest. You never know when the last time you're going to ever see someone is going to be. Cherish, live, be open.

Not remembering my last kiss with Adam is my last regret about our relationship ending. And I hate myself for it. If only I had been more present... now I can barely remember.

So I've had a few of the longest days ever all back to back. And things are compounding, not in my favor.

World: 1
Me: Zip

The bank lost my money and charged me a lot of fees. It was all their fault...
School is kicking my ass this semester. There I said it.
Broke up with the boy, and that has squelched my heart like I haven't felt in a long time. Ya know, since New York.

But I gotta focus. I never went to Europe. But I might get to Canada. Nothing's for sure. I've just been so numb for about a week now.

I went today to install some photos at Tulip Gallery and the second I got home, they called me and said one of my photos had fallen and that broken glass was all over the floor. I had to go back and clean it up. It ruined the entire rest of my day.

Broken glass. I can't find a job no matter how hard I try. I have a feeling it's going to work out with Gap, but that's of course not my first or even fifth choice. And even there it would still go awry.

I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'll write more when I have some hindsight. There's not a lot left of me right now. I need to focus on salvaging what's left.

Heartbrokenly,

-H.

This is me on this day:



Here is a challenging one.


Take a picture of yourself right now. Don’t change your clothes. Don’t fix your hair. Just take a picture. Post that picture with no editing. (Except maybe to get the image size down to something reasonable. Don’t go posting an eight megapixel image.) Include these instructions.





I walked into the bathroom cuz that's where the most light is in the morning (otherwise it would've been blurry) and snapped this. No edits, no retakes, I did it as soon as I read the instructions. Do it! It's hard, but it's honest. This is how I looked when I read this on a friend from Maryland's blog. :)